I've been a worrier my whole life. My grandma was a worrier too, so I'm sure that's where I got it. (Yes, I mean WORRIER, not warrior). I'd see her worry, so then I'd also worry. I say a prayer every time we pull onto the highway. I say a prayer when I know one of my kids, my husband, or another loved one is on the road, heading somewhere, because I'm so scared of them having an accident. I feel anxious, stressed, and have this feeling of impending doom every time one of my loved ones leaves the house to go any further than across town to get groceries or some other local task.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA) Dictionary of Psychology, Anticipatory Anxiety is worry or apprehension about an upcoming event or situation because of the possibility of a negative outcome, such as danger, misfortune, or adverse judgment by others. The worry or apprehension is often accompanied by somatic symptoms of tension. The APA describes people who always think that the worst possible outcome will occur from a particular action or in a particular situation as catastrophizing. Dictionary.com defines worry warts as people who tend to worry habitually and often needlessly.
I feel like I fit all of these definitions if I am being honest. Every scenario in my life consists of me imagining the absolute worst thing that could happen. I think it's because my luck always seems to be bad luck. If something is going to happen, it's going to happen to us. We are going to choose the box that is missing parts, get the random defective car battery, the box of nuggets with one nugget missing. No risk factors for an ectopic pregnancy, yet I had one. No obvious signs of any type of infection, yet I went into septic shock. So, when we began to plan our first "across-the-country vacation" nine months in advance, of course, I'm going to be concerned that things are going to go wrong.
Every time we leave the house, I worry something is going to happen to cause it not to happen. And of course, it's always horrible, gruesome thoughts that I'm imagining; never just a minor inconvenience. By the time it's ever time for our vacation to actually happen, I might be too stressed and anxious to even enjoy it! Because then of course, I'm going to worry about the freak things that could happen to us on our way there or while at our destination.
Will one of us get attacked by a shark, stung by a jellyfish, or die from the poison of some freakishly-shaped sea urchin disguised as a piece of seaweed? Will I somehow fall to my death off our 20th-story balcony, or will a car from our sky wheel ride fall into the ocean? And that's only if the pier the restaurant we are eating at sits on doesn't collapse into the sea first! And all of that is if we even MAKE IT to our destination in one piece. And before we can leave for our destination, we have to have survived ALL NINE of the months leading up to it.
Maybe it's hard for me to accept that good things are going to happen because they seem too good to be true. I hear about other people doing all these exciting things, but it doesn't seem real that we could be doing them too. Checking things off my bucket list has never felt attainable to me; I always thought of a bucket list as a list of the things you wish you could do, but never actually will get to do in your lifetime. I think now, if I really do make it TO, THROUGH, AND HOME FROM this first bucket list trip, maybe I will see it differently. Maybe I will actually look at life differently. Maybe things I never thought were possible really can come true.
Speaking of Bucket Lists, I'd love to read some of yours! Please feel free to comment below, and don't forget your name so I know whose bucket lists I'm reading! Here are the top five things on mine!
