A Birthday, A Death, A Covid Test, and A Party

Every year on my birthday, I think, "This is going to be MY year."...This year, that is the exact opposite of what I was thinking.  This year on my birthday my thoughts were more along the lines of, "Am I going to survive this year?"

It's a struggle writing this blog.  My left hand keeps spasming, so my fingers hit multiple letters at rapid-fire speed and I have to go back, delete, and attempt to retype.  That along with the struggles I already have with word-finding and needing to google similar words in order to figure out what I'm trying to say makes writing blogs a several-hour process.  My symptoms are exacerbated because I currently have Covid.  Again.  Yep, the nightmare that began October 10, 2021, is once again making its presence known.  

My birthday was Saturday.  I turned 49.  The last year of my 40's.  I didn't feel well.  We stayed home, laid low, did nothing to celebrate my day.  It was honestly a pretty depressing day.  As far as birthdays go, it was in the top 4 worst birthdays I've had (the other 3 being my 16th, 22nd, and 24th).   

To finish off the day, I received a message through social media from my ex-husband's ex-wife (who I didn't even know existed) informing me that my ex-husband had passed away.  I had no idea how that news might affect me.  I'm honestly still processing it.  On one hand, I married him, spent 3 years with him, and loved him.  He was a father figure to my son from the tiny age of 3 months through 3 years old.  He came into my life when I had hit an emotional rock bottom, and we had some really great times together.  And he was so good to my son, loved him like his own.  But on the other hand, he was abusive, both emotionally and physically.  He gave me my first black eye 2 days after our wedding.  He cracked my eye socket on my birthday.  He bruised a nerve in my back, threw a glass at me, pulled a knife on me, and refused to allow me to have contact with any of my friends, even most of my family.  He literally pulled the phone cord out of the wall when I attempted to call a friend while he was home.  It was often a scary and very isolating time in my life.  However, thinking that he just no longer exists somewhere in this world...that is a feeling I'm still trying to process.  

The next morning, I woke up feeling very stuffed up, congested, and had a "heaviness" in my head.  I took a Covid test, and it was instantly positive.  My husband and daughter also took tests, and theirs were positive as well.  All of us getting Covid was bad enough, me getting it again after still suffering from so many Long Covid complications 22 months after my first bout with Covid is pretty concerning.  I'm struggling.  I told my husband I feel like my brain is being attacked from the inside.  I don't know how else to describe it.  

My biggest disappointment of the weekend was not being able to attend a family gathering I had been looking forward to for weeks and weeks.  My aunt and uncle were celebrating their 50th anniversary, and I was sooo looking forward to seeing all my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. whom I don't see on a regular basis.  I was absolutely devastated that I was no longer able to go because of our positive Covid tests. A lot of tears were shed as I watched the clock tick away, knowing what I was missing.  My cousin did Facetime me, which allowed me to see everyone, to watch my aunt and uncle open their gift from me, and to talk to people I hadn't seen in quite some time.  That did make me feel a little better about things, but it still, obviously, wasn't the same...

I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again...Covid has RUINED my life...

I began taking a selfie on my birthday each year starting at age 46.  You can see that the two years before having Covid and the 2 years since having Covid are quite different...