I haven't written a blog in 4 weeks. When I go silent, it's a good indicator that I'm struggling in all aspects. That has definitely been the case over the past few weeks. My body is betraying me. At least that's how it feels right now. My edema is relentless. My joints hurt. My muscles hurt. My neuropathy is a constant issue. Breathing is a struggle when I do anything at all; it is only calm and steady when I am sitting and idle. My brain is foggy. My emotions are completely out of balance and uncontrollable. Crying has become part of my daily routine. I regularly have a night when I don't sleep. Going 40 hours between periods of sleep is becoming more and more common for me. At times I feel almost manic.
Color Me Happy. I first heard this expression in the movie Pretty Woman way back in 1990. Julia Roberts walks into the elevator of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel and blurts out, "Well color me happy! There's a sofa in here for two!" Since then, I have used the expression as the name of the After-School Club I oversaw. Students were able to come to my classroom and color to their hearts' content. They did this as a stress reliever, as a distraction from life, as avoidance from doing homework, and/or as a place to socialize with friends while coloring away in various books and printed pictures I provided. My daughter also always enjoyed coloring, and, at 21 years old, she still does.
Coloring is a pastime I have now started as well. I had colored as a child, but as an adult, I didn't really care to color anymore other than the occasional picture I colored with one of my kids when they were growing up and asked me to color with them. However, coloring has now become my obsession. I have purchased about 20 coloring books over the last 3-4 months, and I find myself coloring for hours and hours on end without even realizing how much time has gone by. I don't know if I'm coloring myself happy or coloring myself crazy. I sometimes wonder if it's an unhealthy addiction at this point because I will sometimes color for 8-10 hours straight, only stopping to use the restroom or to have a quick bite to eat. My hand will hurt, my fingers have developed blisters and calluses, yet still, I can't seem to stop coloring. Because of my dexterity issues, I bought rubber grippers for every single one of my colored pencils (both my Crayola Twistables and my June Gold Mechanical Colored Pencils) to assist with my pencil hold. My first pictures were in large print coloring books I purchased online that were intended for "senior colorers" and "elderly and disabled colorers". But now, my obsessions have been landscapes, interiors and exteriors of houses, and country scenes. I have begun layering colors, using a black pen to complete lines or add things to the pictures, and adding my own "touch" to my pictures. (Examples at the end of the blog)
But then I think, "Wow...I was a 'Master Teacher'. I have a Bachelor of Science degree in Elementary Education with endorsements in Early Childhood birth to 3rd grade and Special Education, PreK to 12th grade along with a Master of Science degree in Curriculum and Instruction. I had been teaching in my building longer than all but 5 other teachers. I still had so much I wanted to do, so much I wanted to try, so much more I wanted to accomplish in my career. I LOVED my job, my life, my place in this world. Two years ago I truly felt like I had my whole world figured out. I was the happiest I'd been in years. I was feeling great physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had so much energy and enthusiasm. Life was so good. But then, just like that, everything changed.
Now, instead of being a Master Teacher, I'm texting the pictures I've colored to my daughter and to my best friend, proud of my COLORING SKILLS when just 2 short years ago I was teaching Language Arts to 100+ students every day. This is what my life has come to, and I am just not sure how long I can survive it anymore...
But for now, I will just continue to color...It's an escape from reality, and right now, an escape from what is real seems to be what I need.
Credit is given to: Marshall, Garry. Pretty Woman. Buena Vista Pictures, 1990.
