Sometimes I forget...

For the past 15+ years, since having a classroom of my own, my mind is always on new ideas for my class, for lessons, for things to do with my students, for things to share with them.  This past year hasn't changed that.  The thoughts in my head were always just, "When I get back to work, I will....." But now, I'm not going to be going back to my classroom.  I can't use the ideas, lessons, and activities I have been dreaming up in my head over the last year.  That is a hard pill to swallow.  

My cousin was texting with me yesterday and told me about a graduate program at a nearby college.  I was immediately intrigued.  My mind instantly jumped to getting a second Master's Degree, this time specifically in English, to both advance my pay and maybe even my job title.  That thought was quickly squashed as I remembered I'm not teaching anymore, that my degree could be advanced as much as I chose, but it would not be used towards a benefit to my pay or my job title because I no longer had either of those.    

I did have the opportunity to speak in an online meeting to a group of Occupational Therapists last week about my experiences with Long Covid, and it felt so good.  I felt like I was actually teaching again. I was sharing knowledge, adding my own experiences, answering questions, and feeling completely in my element.  Of course, I had to write up a script beforehand of what I was going to say to ensure I was able to stay on track, explain my experience in chronological order, and not lose my train of thought because those are the challenges I face when speaking to people, even in just small groups or in one on one situations.  Obviously, when teaching live, in-person, and in actual classroom settings, a script does not and cannot work.  Interruptions occur, questions get asked, distractions are everywhere, and every minute of every class period of every single day is unpredictable.  

So, I will take whatever opportunities I have to share and to teach and to continue to seek out ways to be an educator in any form.  But sometimes, just for a moment, I forget my limitations, and my brain wanders toward all of the things I still want to do...

It's not all in my head...but some of it actually is...

One of the most frustrating things medical professionals (or friends, family colleagues, etc.) can tell someone when they complain of an ailment is that it is "all in your head".  This response causes feelings of invalidation and even distrust of those who we expect to listen and to support us when we are struggling.  One of my favorite quotes from the sitcom Boy Meets World is from Season 7, Episode 14, when Cory Matthews thinks he is terminally ill and goes to the doctor.  When he comes home, he gives his wife, Topanga, the news that his doctor diagnosed him with hypochondria and gave him placebos to take to treat his illness. When Topanga tells him that hypochondria is what it's called when crazy people think they're sick when it's really all in their heads, and his best friend, Shawn, tells him placebos are pills to make crazy people think they are being treated for illnesses they don't really have, he gives the impassioned response that he has to be on them for the rest of his life. 

But, sometimes it really IS all in our heads.  Literally.  

The impact trauma has on a person physically, mentally, and emotionally is difficult to describe if you haven't experienced it firsthand.  You can think you understand, offer sympathy, and even make jokes about being forgetful too, but the trauma response in those who have experienced either mental or physical trauma is much different than simply forgetting if you turned off a light or forgetting to pick up milk on your way home from work.  It impacts every single aspect of your life.  

Research published by both the University of Denver and the National Library of Medicine shows very similar patterns among those suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), people with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), and Long Covid patients.  The impacts of PTSD on Long Covid patients were very similar in both those who were hospitalized with more severe symptoms and those who had more mild symptoms and were never hospitalized during the duration of their Covid infection.  The trauma responses aligning with PTSD are because of the impact Covid has on their lives following the illness.  TBI symptoms are due to inflammation caused by the Covid virus, similar to the inflammation caused by a concussion injury.  This inflammation found in Long Covid sufferers typically affects the brain stem, just as is the typical area of inflammation in concussion patients.  

The American Psychiatric Association describes PTSD as an anxiety disorder that must include five major criteria.  In terms of Long Covid, the five criteria are met based on the experiences of Covid-19 and its lasting impacts.  The five criteria in my own personal situation are:  1.) Exposure to an event that threatens safety, triggering a response of fear or helplessness.  In this case, that event is being infected by Covid-19.  2.) Psychological distress when reminded of my trauma; 3.) At least three avoidance symptoms; My personal avoidance symptoms are active avoidance of reminders, withdrawal from others, and emotional numbing.  4.) Marked arousal; Mine include insomnia, difficulty with concentration, and a heightened startle response. 5.) These symptoms must cause considerable functional impairment at least 1 month after the initial trauma event. I first began to notice concerning cognitive symptoms in mid-November, 2021, which was 4-5 weeks after my positive Covid test.  

Treatments for the mental and emotional areas of Long Covid look very similar to the cognitive behavioral therapy used for TBI and PTSD patients.  This therapy can be difficult and extensive.  Working through the traumas that brought me to the place I am at today means digging deep and first facing those triggers and traumas I had kept tucked away in deep, dark places in my brain.  It means knowing that there is some actual physical damage caused to my brain because of the initial infection, and learning how to accommodate for those things that don't work the way they used to work.  It means finding a way to accept that this is my new reality and trying to move forward, even when the future is scary and unknown after thinking I had the whole rest of my life all figured out.  It means living one day at a time and remembering that every teeny, tiny baby step forward is still forward motion and needs to be celebrated.

References

Anschuetz, Nika. “DU Study Finds Similarities in Diagnosis and Treatment for Concussions and Long Covid.” University of Denver, 20 Feb. 2023, www.du.edu/news/du-study-finds-similarities-diagnosis-and-treatment-concussions-and-long-covid#:~:text=There’s%20a%20deficit%20between%20acute,they%20could%20involve%20similar%20treatments.

Bryant, Richard. “Post-traumatic stress disorder vs traumatic brain injury.” Dialogues in clinical neuroscience vol. 13,3 (2011): 251-62. doi:10.31887/DCNS.2011.13.2/rbryant 

Houben-Wilke, Sarah et al. “The Impact of Long COVID-19 on Mental Health: Observational 6-Month Follow-Up Study.” JMIR mental health vol. 9,2 e33704. 24 Feb. 2022, doi:10.2196/33704

 

Today

Today's blog is a bit different than the things I normally post.  It's more just thoughts, feelings, and the ramblings in my head at the moment.  But that's OK.  While this blog is for others, to share, to educate, to entertain, and to connect, it's also my therapeutic outlet, my self-expression.  The latter is what you're seeing today.

Yesterday my daughter had to push me in a wheelchair for the first time.

Yesterday I had so much pain in my legs I could barely walk down my own hallway.

Yesterday I cried when I dropped my water bottle lid and couldn't pick it up myself.

Yesterday I felt hopeless and alone.

Today I texted with a friend.

Today I made dinner for my family

Today I prepared my protein shake without needing a seated break.

Today I sat outside and soaked up some vitamin D.

Today I made plans to do something fun next week.

Today I feel better than yesterday.

Tomorrow I will focus on making it a good day.

Tomorrow I will look forward to family time.

Tomorrow I will sit outside and enjoy the weather.

Tomorrow I will make it the best day I can.

Every day I will Trust the Process.

Let's Be "Matchy"

Being a mom, for me, means unconditional love.  The moment my babies were put into my arms, the overwhelming emotions were beyond words.  The love and protectiveness and pure joy and contentment cannot be matched.  Or so I had thought until my brother gave me a nephew, and then later, a niece.  

Seeing my brother become a dad, and holding his babies for the first time was shockingly similar to those same feelings I'd had when holding my own babies for the first time.  That absolute love and protectiveness and swelling in my chest happened all over again.  Being 8 years older than my brother and 12 years older than my sister, I'd always had a maternal feeling for them, so I guess it shouldn't have been surprising that I'd have those same overwhelming feelings towards their babies.  

I have made an effort to be an active part of their lives.  I've babysat them, colored Easter eggs together, attended their school concerts, swim meets, soccer, football, and baseball games, and taken them to the zoo and swimming.  However, since having Covid and now Long Covid, I have not been able to do those things with them.  That's been really hard because it feels like I'm losing my bond with them, like I don't really know them anymore. They're growing up so quickly, and I feel like I'm missing it.  It feels like just one more thing Covid has taken from me.

When my niece opened a gift from my parents on Easter and it was a romper with the same print as a dress I'd recently bought, I was so excited.  She and I have a little "tradition" of wearing plastic tiaras when we are together.  We have a selfie of us wearing them, and it's one of my favorite pictures.  To be able to be "matchy" at our next family gathering, I told her we should wear our matching romper and dress too!  That gathering is next week, so I'm looking forward to an updated selfie of being matchy in our navy and daisy print outfits, with tiaras in place, of course, to be the queens we deserve to be.