The Most Precious Gift

 You often see those posts that say things like, "I grew up in a family where cousins grew up like siblings" and I always tag my cousins and say a little "thank you" in my head for this being true of my family.  I had three cousins born within five months of me, and four more born about three or so years later, which meant 8 of us all within about a four year time span.  Jeremy, Stephanie, Charity, Michael, Ryan, Melissa, Jonathan, and Philip.  There are more of us, and I have memories with all of them, but for whatever reason, the first eight of us were born in rapid fire succession, and we were all together as babies and toddlers.  I was an only child for 8 years, so my cousins were my "brothers and sisters".

I am a very strong believer that family is not about blood.  My dad is not biologically my father, but he's my dad.  He has been my father figure since shortly before I turned five; he adopted me when I was seven, and has been my dad for the past 41 years.  We've had our ups and downs, but the turning point in our relationship was when I gave birth to my first child, his first grandchild.  Babies really do change everything, and from the minute he held that beautiful, perfect baby in his arms, it was absolute, unconditional love.  That mutual love and adoration for that baby created a bond between us as well, and our relationship was different from that moment on.  Blood is not what makes a dad.  My son's dad is not biologically his father either.  His biological father did not choose to be a part of his life until my son was 16 years old.  My husband and I began dating when my son was three, and after we got married he adopted him.  He could not love my son more if he were his biological child.  Love is not about blood.  

Family; however it becomes that to us, is the most precious gift.

Words I Can't Come Up With and Words I Wish I Hadn't Learned

Gaslighting.  According to Healthline.com, the definition of gaslighting is "a form of emotional abuse that makes you question your own beliefs and perception of reality.  Over time, this type of manipulation can wear down your self-esteem and self-confidence."  

I had never heard this term until a few months ago.  Unfortunately, now, I'm quite familiar with the term.  

When I tested positive for Covid, that made sense to people.  Everyone understood.  However, when three, then four, then five weeks went by and I continued to not feel well, or would feel well for a couple of days and then feel worse again, no one seemed to understand.  I was given advice like, "Drink a Gatorade right when you wake up," or "Once you get your booster you'll feel fine," or "That horse dewormer really does cure long Covid symptoms" or "You just need to push through it because you're just deconditioned from being sick."  I went to the doctor week after week, showing them my swollen legs, ankles, and feet, told them about my racing heart, my shortness of breath, the shooting pains down my legs, my increased carpal tunnel type pain in my arms and hands, the constant headache, the extreme fatigue, the lack of energy, the joint pain, the brain fog, the dizziness.  

They did labs that showed inflammation.  Yes, we know I have inflammation.  My thyroid was out of whack.  Well, yes, that makes sense that my thyroid meds might need adjusted after being ill so no big surprise there.   Other things were a little off, but not enough to show anything definitive, just that "something" could be going on.  But nothing really provided answers.  I did my own research.  I requested a Long Covid specialist at UNMC, which I was referred to and saw within a couple of weeks.  

Finally, validation.  Nothing I told him was a surprise.  Nothing was weird to him.  Nothing seemed odd or unheard of because he'd heard these same symptoms over and over from countless other Long Covid patients before me.  He sent me to Madonna's Long Covid Clinic and the validation continued.  They understood my pain, my frustrations, my symptoms, and I never got that look of confusion or felt like they were just humoring me.  

But all good things come to an end.  And I am no longer attending therapy at Madonna.  However, my symptoms continue to impact my life every single day, and I feel like, in many ways, I'm back to square one again.

After appointments I will notice that my visit notes say I do not have chest pain or palpitations, no shortness of breath, that there are no abnormalities in my gait, or that body systems were "normal" that weren't even examined during the visit.  I have gotten comments, almost mocking, scolded, for monitoring my vitals to closely, something my therapists at Madonna taught me to do in order to plan and pace and prevent post-exertional malaise.  When I try to explain things I'm experiencing, that I cannot remember words, that what I mean and what comes out don't always match, that I struggle to talk on the phone, that being in a room with a lot of people or activity wears me out, I receive comments or suggestions that leave me feeling judged, misunderstood...gaslighted.