Change is Good...Right...From my old blog "They Grow Like Weeds"

August 10, 2011

So, I find myself once again at a point in my life where I'm having difficulty adjusting to the changes that continue to go on around me.  I don't like change.  I'm a creature of habit.  I like security in knowing that things are going to remain constant in my life.  Maybe it's because of things that weren't always constant growing up.  Maybe it's because of difficulties I've faced as an adult.  But regardless, I don't like change, I am not typically excited about change.  Change scares me.

I had the pleasure of being on an interview committee recently.  It was a great opportunity for me both professionally and personally.  That question that always gets asked was asked, that "What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses?" question that we get on any type of application we fill out and any kind of interview we attend.  I thought about that after the interviews were over and reflected on how it pertained to me, and I realized that my greatest strength and my greatest weakness are one in the same.  It sounds like a clique, but it really is true.   My biggest strength is my sensitivity.  This is what makes me a nurturing mother, a loving wife, a supportive friend, and a caring teacher.  But, this is also what causes me to have hurt feelings, to feel almost paranoid at times, to feel unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated.  It's what makes me second guess myself, my actions, and even my feelings.  I wish I could change this about myself, but there's that word again...change...and some things just aren't that easy to change.  Some things can't be changed...

I have entered a phase in my life where I have to let one of my birds out from under my wing and let him fly out of the nest.  It's so hard to watch him hit the ground and flap his wings and try to fly on his own.  It's terrifying to watch him start up that car and drive away and know that I have absolutely no control over what he does, that he has reached a point in his life where he is making his own decisions and I can offer all the guidance and support possible, but it's a time when he's going to fly solo and I can only watch and pray and hope.  This change is the hardest change I've ever had to deal with.

Losing my grandma was a change in my life that took me years to adjust to.  I don't know that I am adjusted to it even now.  It's been 5 1/2 years and I still get the urge to call her, to ask her advice, to chat.  I miss her every day.  The absence of her in my daily life changed my very existence.  She was my best friend, my soul mate in a sense.  People say grief dulls with time, but every day that passes is just one day further away from the last time we spoke.  This was another bad change...

There are good changes too.  I know that.  In my field of work, education, change is all around us and it's a good thing!  In order to teach students who are constantly growing and changing, we have to grow and change with them.  That kind of change I can handle.  Anything that will benefit my students is all right with me.  I'm passionate about my job, my "career".  I care for my students almost as my own children for the 9 months they are "mine".  I get attached, I'm protective, I fight for them, I work hard for them every single day.  And then May rolls around and I have to watch them go and it's hard, but I feel good, knowing I've done all I could for them to prepare them for what lies ahead.  And then in August a new batch comes along and I start all over again...In this respect, change is good...

Summer break is coming to an end.  I have to say, this has been one of the worst summer breaks I've had.  It wasn't the relaxing, mental and emotional rest I needed so very badly.  Instead it was stressful, went by too fast, was unproductive, and just wasn't at all what I'd planned or expected.  This makes me sad.  I try to see the good in it though.  Rob did an amazing job building us a new bathroom.  The kids spent a lot of quality time together.  I feel like we have grown closer together as a family...though the daily stress of being home with a teenage son and a "tween" daughter sometimes makes me forget that...In this case maybe change is good...Maybe we all need a change.  Maybe I need to get back to work, to dive into my new batch of students.  Maybe Harley needs to be in a new classroom with new classmates and teacher.  Maybe Riley needs to have a fresh start this year, trying out new sports, taking new and different classes.  Maybe Rob will feel better knowing that we are all up and out in the world and not at home waiting for him to get off work each day, making him wish he could be home sharing summer break with us...

Maybe I'm just tired, stressed, overwhelmed...Maybe I need someone to step in and take care of me the way I try to take care of everyone else...Now THAT would be a change I wouldn't mind trying out! Maybe I'm just tired of trying to always be strong, be the rock, the nurturing one...After all, change is good...right? ; )